In a list of “things I haven’t considered arousing since I was sixteen,” I would include Pamela Anderson, the very idea of a handjob, and girls making out with other girls. So why the fuck am I forced to listen to Katy Perry sing about it a thrillion times a day?
The way people are lapping this shit up — turning up the radio, singing along, running out onto the dance floor — an uneducated observer might think girls kissing girls was still hot. I just need to set the record straight and make sure a male voice is being heard: NO.
The last hot girl-on-girl action I saw was Denise Richards and Neve Campbell in Wild Things, and that was TEN YEARS AGO. I was unimpressed by Madonna and Britney Spears, and Joe Francis has flooded the internets with buxom midwestern sorority girls tongue-bathing each others tonsils like there’s a packet of Splenda back there. IT’S DEAD!
This kind of market-flooding and loss of hotness value was predicted by the economic geniuses at LongOrShortCapital.com way back in 2006, and everything they said is still true:
[Things I Hate:] Girls who overestimate how hot it is to see them making out with another girl. I cannot count the number of times some girls want something and say something like “Are you surrrrre you don’t want to hang out? Who knows what will happen?” (wink, hugs her female friend). Ok. First of all, stop teasing because I have known you since 2nd grade and nothing is going to happen. Second, KISSING ANOTHER GIRL IS NOT AS HOT AS IT USED TO BE. Thank god the Internet has disintermediated your power. Actually, it’s kind of sad to see the vestiges of something that may have worked 4 years ago (you offering to maybe kiss another girl) still struggling to exert influence.
Recommendation: Short girl-on-girl action; Hold FFM Threesomes. Currently we are in a period of low girl-on-girl prices as trendiness has brought the price down from $Awesome! down to $Still Pretty Cool. We think there is still substantial downside and our current target is $Pleasing.
Whatever happened to blowjobs? Why couldn’t you sing about how much you like those, huh Katy? Preach some sense to today’s youth.
Nobody wants to watch you make out with your distinctly less attractive friend, but a sloppy, enthusiastic blowjob is the sexual little black dress: always welcomed and never out of style. Kissing another girl is a pink angora sweater. Even if it was cool at the time, nobody actually thought it looked good.
You know what else is out, sluts. No, I want a challenge please. (and I’m dumb and ugly… that’s how bad it’s gotten)
UGH!
as far as i understand, ms. perry is not gay. and she is the daughter of pastors or something and has released a gospel cd in the past. Also, she named a cd “UR so gay”. Excuse me?
As a vigilant gay, i can’t help but think of straight people singing songs about experiencing drunken glittery gay moments for lotsa love, laughs, and cash money as a twisted form of a blackface-like performance. (i call it Gayface. but don’t call me that.) Obvs Blackface was like a million times more fucked, but the point is still valid; don’t fucking dance around and sing songs like it’s all sunshine and lollypops, then continue onward to enjoy the privileges of heteronormativity. The rest of us lyfers will return to our second class status, harassment, and all the other things that make it still sorta suck to be a gay in a straight world (and by the way, aside from all the hot gay sex, it is still not easy to be gay). insulting and annoying. the dudes that hassle me on the street when i am with my girlfriend actually want to hurt me. and not with jazz hands. i guess straight girls can go into a club and do what they want for a night, without having to really worry about getting fucked with when they walk out, ’cause they’ll be all, “just kidding guyz! it felt so WRONG! HEHEE! Totally normies again! now, who here wants to slip me the ol’ salam?!”
ew.
You’re so right. Nobody understands lesbians. It’s mostly because they are so goddamn serious and don’t have a sense of humor like your standard queer dudes. I’ll take a queer dude over a lesbian anyday of the week. You really prove the point. Thanks.
Hahahah! Omgz! This one other time I read a comment by you and mistakenly thought you bordered on clever. That’s funny! Yeah, gay dudes are awesome and make better comedy (which is the only way they are really acceptable-i hate when they get all civil rights-y), and you’re not commenting on a blog that deals in politics n’stuff. FAIL!
[...] Her insatiable lust and history of fingercuffs qualifies her as a harbinger of the apocalypse. So when this bitch shows up with wine coolers, riding a 7 headed demon blasting Kate Perry, the worl…. We say awesome, better to go out doing two dudes than in a avalanche of [...]
You’re an idiot! Hot girls making out with each other is sexy as hell! Words can’t express how stupid you are.
Dear Coolguy:
We here at PublicSchoolIntelligentsia would like to congratulate you on reaching our year-old post via the 200th page of Google search results for “girl on girl action”, as we’re sure it took quite a lot of time, energy, and hand lotion to make it through the first 199. As your prize, you’ve earned free, unlimited use of Google Image Search, which can save you the trouble of “reading” all these “words” that might interrupt your “grip strength exercises.”
We wish you all the best*, and sincerely hope the job market improves for you.
Thanks again for visiting,
The Management
* by “wish you all the best” I mean “hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.”
I plan to dedicate my book to you because that’s how strongly I feel about the situation