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Bi Until Graduation: Heteroflexible My Balls, Girl on Girl Makes Out Sessions Are Fucking Dead

08.29.08 by Matty | 8 Comments | Digg This

In a list of “things I haven’t considered arousing since I was sixteen,” I would include Pamela Anderson, the very idea of a handjob, and girls making out with other girls. So why the fuck am I forced to listen to Katy Perry sing about it a thrillion times a day?

The way people are lapping this shit up — turning up the radio, singing along, running out onto the dance floor — an uneducated observer might think girls kissing girls was still hot. I just need to set the record straight and make sure a male voice is being heard: NO.

The last hot girl-on-girl action I saw was Denise Richards and Neve Campbell in Wild Things, and that was TEN YEARS AGO. I was unimpressed by Madonna and Britney Spears, and Joe Francis has flooded the internets with buxom midwestern sorority girls tongue-bathing each others tonsils like there’s a packet of Splenda back there. IT’S DEAD!

This kind of market-flooding and loss of hotness value was predicted by the economic geniuses at LongOrShortCapital.com way back in 2006, and everything they said is still true:

[Things I Hate:] Girls who overestimate how hot it is to see them making out with another girl. I cannot count the number of times some girls want something and say something like “Are you surrrrre you don’t want to hang out? Who knows what will happen?” (wink, hugs her female friend). Ok. First of all, stop teasing because I have known you since 2nd grade and nothing is going to happen. Second, KISSING ANOTHER GIRL IS NOT AS HOT AS IT USED TO BE. Thank god the Internet has disintermediated your power. Actually, it’s kind of sad to see the vestiges of something that may have worked 4 years ago (you offering to maybe kiss another girl) still struggling to exert influence.

Recommendation: Short girl-on-girl action; Hold FFM Threesomes. Currently we are in a period of low girl-on-girl prices as trendiness has brought the price down from $Awesome! down to $Still Pretty Cool. We think there is still substantial downside and our current target is $Pleasing.

Whatever happened to blowjobs? Why couldn’t you sing about how much you like those, huh Katy? Preach some sense to today’s youth.

Nobody wants to watch you make out with your distinctly less attractive friend, but a sloppy, enthusiastic blowjob is the sexual little black dress: always welcomed and never out of style. Kissing another girl is a pink angora sweater. Even if it was cool at the time, nobody actually thought it looked good.

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