If you ever watched a CSI: marathon on Spike TV, you probably saw hundreds of commercials for Enzyte. Most of them featured “Bob”, a bland, vaguely mid-1960s-ish white guy who constantly sported a frozen grimace that was supposed to convey sexual satisfaction and a huge schlong.
Earlier this year the company’s founder, Steve Warshak, was convicted of 93 counts of conspiracy, fraud and money laundering. Yesterday the judge handed down a fittingly painful sentence: 25 years and $93,000 in fines.
Not only were Enzyte’s penis pills not worth the paper the prescription wasn’t written on; but the company purposely made getting a refund too embarassing for the majority of customers to go through with:
If customers complained, he said, employees were instructed to “make it as difficult as possible” for them to get their money back. In some cases, Teegarden [a former VP] said, Warshak required customers to produce a notarized statement from a doctor certifying Enzyte did not work.
“He said it was extremely unlikely someone would get anything notarized saying they had a small penis,” Teegarden said.
Hey guys, you want to know what real “male enhancement” is? It’s confidence and a willingness to go down. You’re welcome. Can I have a million dollars now?