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Feminist Spidey Sense

To All the Sluts We’ve Ever Loved: Tracie Retires the Moniker, We bust a Tart Retrospective

09.15.08 by Natasha | 7 Comments | Digg This

Last week, Tracie “Slut Machine” Egan of Jezebel has decided to get her hetero-normative patriarchy on by gettin hitched. We have to admit our love of Tracie goes well beyond a girl crush. We’re falling into the that Hand the rocks the Craddle, reastrainin’ order inducing, toe nail clipping shrine of Ms. Machine. And now, after years of bringing commentary from the frontline of her tickled lips, Tracie has decided to retire her handle “slut machine” in the hopes of not making her in-laws blush when they peruse her google results.

Now we here at PSI, have always had a soft spot for sluts. Mostly because the word and very idea of a slut ranks up there with the word cunt. –IE reclamation of a term that’s nearly always used to bash a woman. Its sticky business identifying as a sluts. And we all know that some girls can be labeled “sluts” for any number of of non-dick related reasons, getting boobs before every one else, independence, openness, style, not fitting in etc. Whatever the reason, today we salute you hos, whether you’ve earned it or not.

Top 5 Sluts of all Time after the jump (totally suitable for work! we aim to please!)

5. The Whore of Babylon

Surprisingly, it’s not just a name of a speed metal band in Texas! The Ho of Bab is actually the anti-christ according to the Cathols. She’s considered an allegory for all the fucked up greed and brutality of the Roman Empire. Her insatiable lust and history of fingercuffs qualifies her as a harbinger of the apocalypse. So when this bitch shows up with wine coolers, riding a 7 headed demon blasting Kate Perry, the world will end. We say awesome, better to go out doing two dudes than in a avalanche of toads.

4. Kelly Bundy

Nestled somewhere between her bouncy breasts and yellow tube top was fourth wave feminism: unapologetic, unembarrassed, “sex positive” slut who loved male attention, and dare we say was empowered by it. Kelly may make all those humorless feminists out there cringe at her gum chewing and low IQ. But what they don’t get is that Kelly was bait. Her dumb slut character was a lipsticked Archie Bunker: in utter compliance with the harshest PC critique—a pretty dancing bear in a feminist circus.

3. Bettie Paige

I don’t know what this chicks history is and do not have the energy to Google it, but what we all know is that Paige is pin-up girl archetype. She also inspired a whole generation of Chicanas and suburban girls to tweeze out their eyebrows, wear leopard thongs, and blow their mechanic boyfriend to gain some street cred in the Rock-a-billy community. You ladies have done a service the automotive industry.

2. Madonna

Ugh this bitch doesn’t even deserve to be called a slut these. There was a time, a long time ago when Madge’s daring sexuality burned down institutional ideas of how sexual a female pop star could be. And for that, all we tarts who like to lip synch in our bras thank her. She is the patron saint of which all other loose pop starlets are based. But now even her biggest defender, Camile Paglia, wouldn’t fuck her with KD lang’s dick: “Sex for sternly workaholic Madonna has become a brittle concept rather than a sensual reality, a monotonous compulsiveness diverting her from artistic self-development.”

1. Your Mom

Your mom’s such a huge slut that when I called her for a comment, I got an ear infection!!!!! Seriously though, here’s proof.

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« Google Results: Did You Mean “TRASH”?, Like McCain’s Peeps on Pailin, We Barely Vet Crash the TV Show, But Totes Hate It
» Will Some One Please Think Of The Children!: MTV Cancels its last Music Show