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Lifestyles of the Bitch and Blog Famous

Objectify This!: The Top 10 Boy Bloggers We’d Let Rub Our Touchpads

07.17.08 by Natasha | 21 Comments | Digg This

So URLesque our newest little addiction put out a top 20 list of lady bloggers they want to see in bikinis. Rather, than responding with some shrill feminist outrage we’d figure we’d counter with getting our own objectification on!

Now, our criteria is a bit different. Since our ladybrains are tingled by a sense of humor and men who hold editorial positions of power (cue Feministing to beat us with strap-on for conforming to a paternalistic competitive ideology!!), we’ve come up with a pretty steamy list…

The Top 10 “Hot” Male Bloggers We Totally Want to Scam With

Warm up your rabbits, ladies, ’cause we’ve got some hot pieces of grade-a laptop-pounding glory who, given how often they update their twitters, are probably online right now!! Eeee!!

#10: Nick Denton - Gawker Impresario

Denton is like that college professor who hisses at his students, flakes out on his office hours, and has hipster TA thugs eviscerate your essays. This man simultaneously breeds passionate defiance and a desperate need to impress. Throw in a strong cocktail and you’ll be hate-fucking before homecoming.

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#9: Triumph of Bullshit Guy - Tumblr Wizard

I have no idea what this dude looks like, and I don’t care. I check his blog before any one else’s. If some one were to walk up to me on the street and say “Look, there’s a dude who holds all of the magical, absurd, ephemeral secrets of the internet, he’s right down this blind alley and he wants to make out.” I would walk down that alley.

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#8: Rich Juzwiak - FourFour

Twitty, eager star fuckers. Creepy pageant competitions. A panel of disapproving gays. Rich laps them it all up and regurgitates absolute brilliance about all things pop culture. He has a legions of devoted commenters and says things like this:

With [the single] “Big Girls Don’t Cry,” we reach the winter of Fergie’s discontent, which just so happens to be her Hot AC crossover record after a career of Urban-format aspiring. It’s so convenient that someone as personality deficient as Fergie should slide into the set-by-Stefani standard of pop eclecticism.”

Suck it, Pynchon.

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#7: Keith Gessen - Sad Young Literary Tumblr

This entry has prompted the MOST HEATED EDITORIAL DEBATE OF OUR GENERATION.

At first I argued Gessen was worth a pity-fuck. But then Matty pointed out that Gessen needs a pity fuck the way Britney Spears needs a pity shot of vodka.

After much soul-searching and bank account analysis I realized that if I touched the gilded lips of Gessen I, too, could get a call from the New York Times magazine and several six-figure offers on my memoir before I’m as old as he is. WORTH IT!

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#6: Alex Balk - Editor of Radar Online

Hey, remember when Gawker was cool? When you clicked it 578 times a just so you could find something witty to say at some fucking overpriced Manhattan rooftop bar? That was because of this guy.

Radar continues on in that vein. Much like an ancient sea monster, or Julia Alison’s dignity, Balk remains painfully, even eeirely elusive. I’ve only ever seen one picture of him, and he’s much less severe than you’d imagine. What I do know is that he’s one of the hardest-working writers in Blogistan, he has a decent haircut, his cock endorsed Barrack Obama, and I’d fuck plywood just to buy this dude a drink.

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#5: Alex Blagg - Editor of Best Week Ever

Poet, writer, raconteur, philosopher, general man about town. He’s read the whole internet, like, four times. The streets of Williamsburg are stained red from his verbal lacerations.

He kisses better than your step-dad. He went to the Webbys. And Won. And made a “who let the dogs out” joke that an entire crowd of people laughed at (in 2008!). If that doesn’t marinate your middle parts in sex juices, I just don’t know what will.

Well, maybe this.

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#4: Jason Kottke - Kottke.org, Buzzfeed, President of the Internet

Endowed with boyish good looks and clairvoyant powers, Jason only blogs about buzz three hours before it happens. And we’re not talking buzz like some celebutard’s vagina has fallen out of her dress but really insightful, quality, glorious, stuff.

We spent quite some time scanning Kottke’s flickr page, and it’s clear that he’s a devoted husband and father so I’ll keep it PG for the family man: all we ask for is some hardcore half-naked hand holding.

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#3: Rob Huebel - Human Giant, Overall Sketchy Dude

Whenever you’re too hung over to leave your house and you end up watching 3 straight hours of VH1 but you only actually “LOL” every 22 mins cause most of the commentators have the IQ of a stick insect, ROB HUEBEL IS THE REASON WHY YOU LAUGH.

His Tumblr is also the reason why Teh Internet makes you laugh. Furthermore, he has a vagina.

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#2: Neel Shah - Radar Contributer

There’s blogger hot (ah, the soft tyranny of low expectations) and then there’s objectively IRL doable. Neel is the latter.

Look at him, with his intriguing ambiguously middle-eastern look! We fell for Shah when he threw his cyber hat in the ring to be Glamour’s ‘dating guy’. He had to answer a questionnaire that was absurdly vapid, but Shah played along in earnest and came out looking totally witty and a bit wry, like when he said his biggest fear was ” Sounding daft in this questionnaire. Seriously.” The Glamour shrews may have rejected him, but we’ll gladly embrace Neel. We even find his grotesque, squalid clutter to be cute and exotic!

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#1: Joshua David Stein - Gawker Alum, Bonfire of Vanity

Ah this scruffy, loquacious Hebrew is all of my fantasies and nightmares realized. A jewish boy with three names, a charming and self-effacing writer, and an oversharer to boot.

Just like that gregarious and sexually ambiguous boy in drama class with whom you thought you could make out backstage without anyone knowing, this chiseled chunk of hot seems to have no problem putting his ex-lovers on blast. And by “blast” I mean “Page Motherfucking Six”. You’ve been warned.

Still, with speedy bloggy fingers and unreal six pack JDS makes us fucking melty.

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Whimper. Pant. Gotta run for more batteries.

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