Awwwww what up guys? Kind of sucks to be living through the death spiral of an Empire huh? You know who went through this shit in a bad way? The original bacchanalian, corrupt as fuck, orgy-lovin, oligarchs: The motherfuckin’ Romans! But there was a little pudgy dude who put those fuckers in their place. Join me through a delightful historical romp! And bear witness to my lust men in power.
Reasons Why I’d Let Caesar Slam Me
*He makes Russell Crowe in Gladiator look like Liza Minelli. Caesar was a super popular heroic general. He fought side by side with his men, painted his face red, and fought like hell aganist people who had funny accents (read: Persians) . Ceaser got kinda bored commanding the public citizen army who WORKED FOR FREE and were pissed off all the time so the crazy bastard raised his own army of private soldiers WHO HE PAID and went off to fight and reap tons of boo-tay. The man had a salt of earth kind of vibe and had a smart 5 point business plan. What more could you ask for?
*Pompey was in power and he kept pushing Caesar around. Look, you don’t test a man who commands his own army, dick. So to knock off Pompey Caesar took his army of bazillion well payed, loyal, beefy soldiers and marched on the the greatest power in western world: Rome. And started an explosive civil war. Shhh, listen— do you hear that? That’s the sound of Caesars balls clanking together because they were made of steel!
*Caesar takes over Rome and leads with a “strong will”. Well, some people call him dictator seeing as how he didn’t allow dissent, canceled all elections, and told the senate “BLOW ME” when they didn’t agree with him. But the senators were a bunch of pansy, corrupt, aristocratic asshats who hated the poor and didn’t give a shit about the rest of the “Republic”. Rather than call him a dictator, I call him a “Benevolent Decider…with lots of armed men who will kill for him.” I don’t know about you but i dig a guy who can conquer Spain in afternoon, suppress a bourgeoisie revolt, and then be at the bathhouse before 8pm .
* His social policy rocked! He gave massive cancellation of debts; keept the plebs will fed with subsidized grain; instituted large public works programs including public libraries! built colonies for his veterans in Italy and abroad; and gave citizenship to Non -Romans! Take that Franklin Delano Roosevelt, you fucking fascist!
*Hey ya know Cleopatra?
Yeah, he hit that. TWICE!
SURVEY SAYS: ET TU CAESAR ARE ONE SEXY MOTHERFUCKER!. Shiiiit. I’ll pick up Queen Cleo’s sloppy seconds anytime,