You probably thought Ralph Nader was the weirdest motherfucker running for POTUS this time around, what with that whole talking to parrots thing.
Well, you’d be wrong. Turns out there’s someone even crazier than ol’ Ralphie “Fuck you, Gore” Nader, and it’s this crazy asshole: Jonathon “The Impaler” Sharkey, who is running on an eponymous ticket. As a self-professed vampire. Details are sketchy yet — Does his platform consist of tax breaks for sires? Who’s his running mate, Lyndon Larouche? He knows how to run a campaign from inside prison!
What is apparent is that a win seems a little less likely now that he’s in the local pokey for starting some shit with the locals, who burned down his treehouse in retaliation. He moved to Tennessee earlier this year (because the rural south is so welcoming to those who practice alternative lifestyles) to start a commune, but that’s gone about as well as his campaign.
So may this be taken as a warning and a declaration. If anyone esle ever pisses me off and tries to take advantage of me (or screw me over), I swear by Lucifer, I will not call Secret Service or any law enforcement agencies. I will just beat, torture and then kill you. I promise you, your remains will never be found. Actually, there will be no remains to be found.
Well, he’s not as bad-tempered as McCain, anyway. Impaler ’08!