Who is this diabolical sadist? How did this greasy alt-bro fuck come up with the most bone-crushingly catchy jingle in the history of sound?! When did he sell his soul to belezebub in exchange for my brain’s synapses to CONSTANTLY twitch and buzz with his awful songs? Like a whore who suddenly moans in surprising pleasure on her thousandth trick , I find myself inexplicably singing along with these tone poems of suck. I’m powerless aganist the upbeat rhythms of these jingles.
The powerhouse behind these jingles is pasty, loathsome (yet hauntingly fragile) French man, Eric Violette. He played Hamlet in France! People, we need a call to arms. This must be stopped. This man has figured out the perfect concoctions capitalism, charisma, and mind control. When Fascism comes to America it won’t look like Fascism it will look like this Eric Violette. In this financial holocaust it is Eric Violette who could most easily prey upon us. His cocksure smile and affable songs give all the indications of a personality cult waiting to happen — a strong man leader waiting to enslave us. All he has to do is ask us to invest in him and we would. He has the means, the access, the words, and most importantly he has THE BEAT.
We must put an end to this. Or we must join him. There are no other choices. Else we will be shuffling one foot in front of another in our massive bread lines, joyless but compulsively chanting the devil’s mantra “Five Dollar. Five Dollar. FOOT. LONG.”