Julia Allison is my Hero: Make Me Blog Famous Or I’ll Take You Out Of My Top Eight

Way back, in the before time, in the long long ago, when the internets were just a gleam in Steve Jobs’s garage, people who wanted to share stories and be validated had to — gasp! — put some pants on and interact with other real human beings. Thankfully, you no longer have to worry about locating or knowing or ever actually interacting with the people you want to impress. Now you have a whole internet full of potentially adoring fans all over the world!

“Microfame” is the best and worst of the internet: anyone with a good idea can spread it, and anyone with a sufficiently incendiary, scandalous or simply ridiculous idea can also have their moment in the limelight.

If you’ve always wanted to be blog famous but never knew how, then today is your lucky day.

New York Magazine has made a user-friendly “Microfame for Dummies” checklist. Now any jackass with an internet connection, some bad ideas, an utter lack of moral scruples and a little desperation can weasel their one-liner onto the front page of Digg by following a simple set of instructions. Here’s my recap of their eightfold path to blog famousness:

1. Get a blog.
   .
   
2. Get attention. Do something new, something old in a new way, or something so fucking strange that people feel compelled to link to it.
   .
3. Keep the world posted on every moment your life. Every time you take a shit, we demand to know size, color, consistency.
   .
4. Respond to commentary from your fans. LOL 2Kool4Skool I kno how krzy was that!!?1 They need to know that they’re important to you. Also, (NY Mag failed to mention this) don’t take criticism too personally.
   .
   
5. Make microfamous friends with whom you can create a nepotistic black hole of incestuous links. Alternatively, be a former editor at Gawker.
   .
6. Get a reality TV show, release an album, or found a new media empire. Note that once you start raking in the dough, haters will accuse you of selling out.
   .
7. Spit in the face of the establishment. This really should have been part of step 2.
   .
8. Don’t jump off a building when nobody likes you anymore. Just create a new internet handle and start again!

The point, essentially, is that microfame pays shit and requires near-constant upkeep, but if you demand a hundred greasy hands simultaneously stroking your engorged ego, you can totes pull it off if you’ve got the chutzpah. If you don’t have that, get some bad eyeliner and a webcam and deliver a sobbing rant about a fallen pop idol under a blanket.

PHOTO CREDIT: PLOOPTIONARY.COM