As Facebook begins to catch fire with crowds of people who only use the internet via AOL, one might notice a sudden increase in friend requests. These requests, usually from a person whose P.E. locker was in close proximity to yours in 8th grade and haven’t spoken to since, will often bring about a surge of emotions upon seeing their name in your friend request inbox. Confusion, insecure awkwardness, superiority, offense, and more confusion will often ensue.
Why would this person you barely knew fifteen years ago want to be cyber friends with you now? Henceforth, those people shall be deemed,”Nell Carters“, because really, gimme a break!
Several other phenomena that will make you question your existence on Facebook:
When you do accept that Nell Carter as a friend, and discover there’s always one friend you have in common and it’s always the same person. Every time.
The emotion you feel when someone you dated/awkwardly made out with in high school friend requests you.
When you see your enemy on all your friends’ pages. Because you know they they are seeing you too.
*The sheer joy at seeing people who got fat.
*The sheer horror at seeing all your contemporaries who are bald.
*The internal battle that ensues when you get a friend request from someone you didn’t really know in high school/would rather have not ever heard from again.
*Fluffers! Old lost friends you haven’t seen in a really long time that you’re genuinely excited about until you see how fucking lame they have become. Like real life fluffers, they get you excited, but don’t deliver.
*Being on the other end of the Nell Carter exchange because that person whose 8th grade locker was next to yours used to be hot and you want to see if they maintained their hotness.
Then there are the Facebook Sins:
*Photo assault. Someone tagging you in an unflattering picture. Yes, you look hot. I look like a bus just ran over my face.
*The constant need to update one’s status with uninteresting details. “Jake had a dream about football.” “Val thinks burritos are yummy. LOL.”
*Afterglow friends. Friends you accepted during your Facebook honeymoon phase, before you knew how to filter or deny friend requests, who are now always poking and gifting and asking you to join groups.
*Parents who join Facebook. Your parents.
*Sexy posing drunk pics. Will this ever get end? As long as there are digital cameras and alcohol on this planet, no.
People who use pictures of their babies as their profile picture.
*Same goes for wedding pictures. We get it, someone digs you enough to ram it in you.
*When your news feed shows you a comment from one person you don’t care about commenting on another person you don’t care about’s baby.
*Having the self control to NOT change your status to read: “Jenn thinks your baby is ugly.”
*When trying to join a group or download an application and having to jump through ten pages of hoops before actually getting to said game or group and eventually just fucking giving up.
*Facebook holding tank. People you have neither accepted or denied as friends but have been staring at you for months.
I’m still in this thing for the long haul. Because being found by that long lost 9th grade friend who once taught you how to make bongs out of fruit and is now a corporate lawyer is worth having to endure status updates from someone’s mom on their way to Target.