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News That's Too Serious For MSNBC

A Stern Warning: Winslet! Jump in Our Lifeboat and Get Off ‘Sinking Ship Gwyneth’

01.26.09 by Ande | 2 Comments | Digg This

Dear Kate Winslet,

On behalf of all humans with a honeypot and a brain enough to not suggest He’s Just Not That Into You at our next book club, I am issuing you a warning.

And it’s only a warning. I am by no means backhanding you and telling you in a drunken macho slur that it’s for your own good. Because you are curvy and hot and have made so many fantastic movies (unfortunately none of which include the ones you starred in this year) we, the smart type of ladies of the world who would never appear on any VH-1 reality show, are concerned that you might be losing your stature as the embodiment of fucking cool.

We never want to see you go the way of Ms. Paltrow – a woman who was once beloved by other women – pre non-deserved Shakespeare in Love Oscar win, before she gave her kids shitty names and got all macrobiotic and denounced chewing food. We were quite fond of the Gwyneth that smoked cigarettes, had impeccable style, and fucked Brad Pitt. Gwynnie is now revered as an ice bitch so cold, she might even be referred to as a cuntcicle. As The Internet says, she wasn’t that bad, but then she became the worst. And Kate, we never want to see you on that list.

Your Golden Globe acceptance speech in which you gushed and squawked and sputtered nonsense sent a collective “Wait, what?!” through the ladysphere. Your continued fellating of your best friend and co-worker, Leo Dicaprio, in each and every interview you give is making us feel weird. Those are the times when you normally say unladylike things while chewing on a rib and reminding us that you are so real you don’t even have a stylist. And that’s when we fall totally in love with you all over again.

Also, Revolutionary Road was like a really, really bad episode of Mad Men. Suck it, Mendes.

As a longtime fan (shout out to Heavenly Creatures) I, on behalf of the ladies, implore you to please go back to your regular old self. So Kate, here’s hoping that your next movie will be about a single mom with a secret scandalous past who’s running a vegetarian restaurant in Thailand and screwing an underage Thai boy and his hot older sister on the side. And when you give interviews for that flick, hopefully you’ll be in a pub in England, two pints in, and talking shit about how fat Leo’s gotten and how awesome it was to eat banana pancakes on set everyday.

Sincerely,
Ande and a large percentage of the female population

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