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What Do We Want? “LOWER STANDARDS!” When Do We Want It? “NOW!”: Whiny Liberal Arts Majors Complain About Not Getting Enough Partial Credit

02.20.09 by Matty | 11 Comments | Digg This

The Times has an article about kids who believe they should be graded on how hard they try  instead of what they actually produce in class. By this logic brain surgeons who left sponges in patients skulls shouldn’t be sued because they tried really hard. Or hedge fund managers who lost billions of dollars shouldn’t be prosecuted because, really, they were trying so hard. Or a president who left his country in ruin, but believes his legacy should be how hard he tried to do good.


No, motherfucker.

I’ve been trying for years and years to get into the panties of Winona Ryder, and don’t even get me started on how hard, because all I wound up with is a hefty tab for hand lotion and some embarrassing-to-explain callouses. The moral of the story is it doesn’t matter how hard you try, it matters whether you fucking do it.

Sure, everyone told you how wonderful your macaroni-and-glitter mother’s day day card was in kindergarten, but now you’re in college. You can’t expect to graduate Summa cum Laude as a pat on the head for showing up.

I quote Jason Greenwood of the University of Maryland:

“If you put in all the effort you have and get a C, what is the point?” he added. “If someone goes to every class and reads every chapter in the book and does everything the teacher asks of them and more, then they should be getting an A like their effort deserves. If your maximum effort can only be average in a teacher’s mind, then something is wrong.

Yeah, bro. It’s you.

Jason, bee-tee-dubs, majors in “kinesiology” which seems to be the fancy-ass name for Phys Ed. Come on, fucknuts, you don’t win a race by huffing and puffing as hard as you can. You win it by going faster. There comes a time when you gotta face the fact that you’re just too fucking slow. Maybe glorified phys ed just isn’t for you. How about regular phys ed? Or philosophy? Do you know how hard it is to fuck up at philosophy?

I, for one, applaud our nation’s hard-grading professors. Fuck the bastards. Let them try really hard to sell me a fucking off-brand polo shirt at Target. Let them try really hard to wash my windshield at the stoplight. Let their effort deserve a sixteen-percent tip at Waffle House. Keep them out of the professions that require care, craftsmanship, skill and accuracy. It’s for the good of mankind.


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