Something Something Rhymes With Politics

Everything You Need To Know about The 14-Year Old Pundit: He’s Awesome!

03.09.09 by Sam | 10 Comments | Digg This

So there’s a 14-year old right wing pundit (no, the 4 and 1 are not reversed) named Jonathan Krohn and he is awesome! Not only does he speak with a smugness that makes every sentence sound like it’s prefaced with, “As someone who has already earned his place in heaven, I believe…,” but he appears to think conservative principles didn’t, by their nature, lay the seeds of our current calamity. However, instead of praising the sharpness of his Neal-from-Freaks & Geeks-as-Stepford-Wife fashion sense, or admiring how valiantly he toes the edge of coming off as heterosexual, let’s look at why he likes conservatism enough to not only write a book about it, but to address last week’s Conservative Political Action Conference where he was heralded as a prodigy.

Our Johnny Boy (I like him so much I’m giving him a populist moniker.) grew up in the modern frontier of the Atlanta suburbs, the kind of place where young ruffians savagely inflict minor property damage, sometimes as often as once a year, and where loud noises can legally occur as late as 9pm. A post-tween lives on his wits and makes his own luck in places like this, and Johnny Boy was no exception, toughening up in church plays and soaking in the teachings of Bill Bennet, a chain-smoking high-stakes gambler who had a sideline in turning boys into men and who sometimes joked a little too fondly about eugenics on the radio.

Johnny K, as he is known when dispensing street knowledge, also learned about social ills, and how de-funding anything with the words “child,” “health,” or “outreach” in it’s name can solve them, by being homeschooled. This experience gave him the kind of one-on-one attention and instruction geared towards his strengths that a public school could never provide, due to a combination of the socialism clause in the teacher’s union contracts and the potential presence of Ebonics.

At 14 years old, he understands that it isn’t a flaw in the system when working 60 hours a week between two jobs nets barely enough money to support a family; it’s just the market doing it’s job. Plus, since Jesus was a conservative, it’s obvious that one’s wealth is proportionate to one’s righteousness anyhow.

Provided he can remain closeted (mostly about being thoughtful enough to write a book in the first place) and get at least two decent press photos taken with firearms, this kid could evolve into a real contender when, 20 or 30 years down the line, whatever’s left of the American right needs a Great White Hope. Until then, he’s learning Arabic so he can do his part wipe out the Islamic threat to civilization one believer at a time. However, like a true conservative, he’s not doing it by joining the military. No, our Johnny Boy will be assuming a missionary position. (HEY-O!)


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