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Objectify This!: Guys Who Flitter our Twitter

05.06.09 by The Royal 'We' | 5 Comments | Digg This

So Huffington Post recruited one of The Youngs to catalogue the hottest chicks on twitter. The list, of course, is absurd because it excludes Twitter’s sexiest warrior/poet Courtney Love and instead is populated with vanilla looking girls whose updates are painfully dull.

But rather than seethe with some passed over bride’s maid rage we’d figure we’d counter with getting our own objectification on!  

Now our criteria is a bit different.  Our ladybrains are tingled by a sense of humor, a dedication to brevity, and men who hold positions of power in the entrainment industry.  Based on that, we’ve (Ande, Liana, and Natasha) come up with a pretty steamy list of men you can link-bait to.

The Top Ten Hottest Men on Twitter We’d Let Rub Our Touchpads!!

 It’s Good to be The King-Shaq

Shaq is the king of Twitteronia and EVERYBODY KNOWS that the king gets dibs on low-level blog serfs like us. Shaq’s tweets veer from the jazzy, improvisational “i hate leprechauns, lol” to the haunting, ennui packed we should all get thriller masks.” I’m not really into black guys right now but i’d make an exception for Shaq. God speed ye black emperor. (N)

 The Sterling Ad Man: Tim Siedell

Member when you’d watch Don Draper make some totally mundane product intriguing, mysterious, and necessary. Well that’s exactly what Tim does to Twitter; HE MAKES THAT -ISH VERY NECESSARY. Tim is a quip-slanging ad man who takes 140 characters and makes them dance. And based on his steamy avatar we’re gonna need Peggy to bring us more ice. (N)

 

The Fat Jew - Hebrew Hammer

  Let’s be honest: you’d still totally blow Mel Brooks if you got the chance.  You’d let Larry David feel you up. And if Woody Allen looked your way you’d tingle. Why? Because those fools are hillarz  (and you also have some self-esteem issues.) The Fat Jew falls into that same Boneable Chosen Person category based on the quaLOLity of his tweets. He has just the right amount of Hollywood connections and self-loathing to work us up into a cyber lather that’s worthy of a naughty twitpic or two. (N)

Firey Manfly: Nathan Fillion

I thought Nathan Fillion was the hottest human being on the planet even before he started discussing the rules of grammar on his Twitter. Ever the gentleman, Nathan uses his Internet to say nice things about ladies without last names and to tell us when he’s wearing a suit. He also used both “y’all” and “j’accuse” in a single tweet, which makes him sound like a suave, intellectual cowboy with an iPhone, aka the perfect person. (L) 

“ Saddle up my Baby Unicorn!”: Rob Corddry

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Raised in the house of The Daily Show parented by Jon Stewart and Stephen Colbert. It’s no surprise that his tweets are sonnets of subversive irreverence mixed with the occasional loathing rant inspired by his offspring. Also, he mentioned Rumspringa once in just the right context that made me want to marry him. (A)     
 

Geek before it got Mainstream : Paul Feig


 I feel like if Paul got to know me, he’d love me. He’d be all “Natasha, why don’t you pursue your dreams of becoming an actress and star in my newest feature about  overeducated and under motivated males grappling with masculinity feature.” And I’d be like “Thanks Paul, I must warn you I have issues with porition control and ambien… Paul? Are you there?? Hello???”  (N)

Dick Love: Michael Ian Black

Michael Ian Black is such a dick and that’s why I love him. (Which, in turn, is why I spent most of college parked outside my ex-boyfriend’s house, sobbing onto the steering wheel of my champagne Corolla.) In addition to potent one-liners, Michael spends so much time Tweet-mocking his own kids that I believe he might be the best dad in the world. My only complaint: Why do all the good ones always gotta make fart jokes? (L) 

       

More like Ass/HONEY!: Aziz Ansari

Well look at this ambiguously ethnic pile of lulz. I discovered Aziz one night on MTV — when I used to watch TV on a television set like an Old. There he was, hilariously rollerblading right towards cancelation. Fortunately, the Internet steered the Aziz comedy train right into network stardom. That fool still keeps it real and delights us authentic fans with tasty tweets and tumbls.

        

Magic Man: Hotdogsladies

How do I feel about Merlin Mann? A little story: My mother recently asked me to start her a Twitter account. She picked a username, followed me and Oprah, tweeted “I am sitting on the deck eating a cherry biscotti and watching the sunset!” and then forgot about it for two weeks. Merlin Mann’s Twitter is the exact opposite of my mom’s Twitter.(L)

         

The Tweeter of Light: Mark Lisanti

There’s an art to twitter. And Lisanti is the master of the medium. To tweet is to strip down a thought to its bare, gleaming studs but still have the whole foundation of the idea hold up. Wether its about the carnage in the Idoldome or morning coffee treachery, Lisanti can do in 140 characters what it takes me 4 drafts, 3 packs of cigarrettes, and 2 soul-screeching panic attacks to do. Get on it. (N)

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« THIS IS WHY THE INTERNET WAS INVENTED: “TIPTOES!” FUCKING “TIP TOES!”
» Trend Piece: May Is the “DO AS I SAY, NOT AS I DO” Month For Pretty White Gals!