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What Fickle Beast Hath ‘Fox’ Wrought: The Few Scenarios in Which America May Take Away Adam Lambert’s Tiara

05.11.09 by Liana | 6 Comments | Digg This

Adam Lambert has been poised to become Your Next American Idol since the top ten was announced. He has the best voice of the lot: a Freddie Mercury falsettOH-my-fucking-god that scrapes the ceiling of the Idoldome and drenches the streets of Miracle Mile. He has Kelly Clarkson presence and Simon Cowell swagger, and he might actually be smart and creative enough to record an album worth listening to.

Yet Fox TV and American democracy hath birthed a fickle beast, and there is no such thing as a done deal. Here are several scenarios in which Adam might not take home the grand prize:

1. The Drama Gene

Adam has given one shitty performance: the sitar-drunk Johnny Cash rendition he pulled from his Hare-Krishna-bead-bag-o-tricks during Grand Ole Opry Week. It’s possible that Glambert could throw us another indulgent arrangement of a good song. Or that his theatrical leanings could effect a decision to present half of America with comped tickets to Harvey Milk High Presents Hair (with theremins!).

2. Terrorist Dick Bump

Photos of Adam locking lips with a beard-having person surfaced very early into the season, and he has made no attempt to hide his preference for the Y-chromosome. America has show uncharacteristic mercy in mostly ignoring Adam’s gayness, so an actual sex scandal would have to surface for this to become a real issue. But hey, the kid works in Hollywood and the Internet exists, so there’s a definite possibility that something could turn up. I’m thinking penetration pics, tales of a glory hole, or the discovery that Adam blew Jamie Foxx backstage during Rat Pack Week. (Blame it on the vodka, blame it on the Henny, blame in on why yes, Mr. Foxx, I have been told that eyeliner makes me look pretty as a penny.)

3.  KO’d Okey Dokey Gokey

Why, oh why is goofball Danny Gokey even allowed to share a stage with the vocal deity that is Adam Lambert? He’s fine, I guess, but there is absolutely nothing special or relevant about him. So why does America love the Hokey Gokey so much? Well, he’s a pudgy meat-and-potatoes Midwestern boy. And he could very well be benefiting from the Courtney Love Effect, the idea that a major record contract can ease the pain of a recently deceased spouse.

4. Paula Abdul Freak Accident

The final scenario involves Adam giving a performance so majestic and powerful that Paula finds herself completely dehydrated form the flood of tears she has just shed. Paula gulps quickly from her Coca Cola cup of ubiquity (which is probably just water, right?) and chokes, propelling a Klonopin from her belly straight towards the precariously balanced Idol globe. The globe crashes down spectacularly, barely missing a somehow-still-emotionless Seacrest, and crushes Mr. Lambert into the million bits of glitter we always knew he was. Why is this a possibility? It isn’t, obviously. But this is a piece about American Idol and it would be would be ethically irresponsible to miss an opportunity to bring up Paula Abdul’s daily battle with consciousness.


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