I miss Fairuza, Winona, and Shannon Dohrety. I miss the smokey brunettes who’d smoke, pipe bomb their high-schools, and be ball-busting emasculating bitches.
I could handle the late 90’s glut of toe-headed wild girls. Your Drew Berrymores and your Courtney Loves but I simply can no longer tolerate these pliant, willowy, by-golly-by-gum, frumpy blondes who whimper and preen for their pigeon chested co-stars. If I see Amy Adams chin tremble one more time as she screws up her pale little face to go tell some man-child that she “will always be there for him” I’ll cut some one. Same thing goes for Pam (ugh, even the name PAAAAM, sounds like a poodle fart). I like the Office, I do, but you better watch your ass if your BF starts saying he thinks Jenna Fischer is hot.
That means he will leave you for a girl who doesn’t bite her nails, who doesn’t toss off racial slurs when on a pharmaceutical binge, and who only thinks oral sex is for “special occasions”. You’re fucked. We’re all fucked. Ugh, they’re like recession vixens. The government bonds of the sexual stock market. The safe bet, low risk, steady but sure investment.
Where are my raven haired harlots? Where are the ladies with a little bit of danger?
No! Ellen Page does NOT count, her dead-pan, innocuous, smarter than thou droll puts her line to be the next an Air America host NOT a sex symbol. Niether does Queen of Hipster Wet Dreams Zooey Deschanel. Her quirkiness is on total overload and she needs to be thrown out of a helicopter screaming (I really can’t stand or your faggy crush on her).
JESUS, I MISS ROSE MCGOWAN.
Is this at its core just the 90s nostalgia version of Team Angelina versus Team Jen? Be honest.
PS: I hate Jen. Except in Friends With Money cause she smokes a ton of weed.
And isn’t Angelina vs. Jen a recycled version of Ginger vs. Maryanne?
A recent survey (conducted in my head) found that 90% of men thought Brad was an idiot to leave Jen for the psycho Angelina. The 10% who voted the other way had never been with a psycho.
Natasha, the scene in The Craft where they make Christine Taylor’s hair fall out is your favorite, isn’t it.
1. Fa-Rooz is the fairy godmother of all Suicide Girls.
2. I studied Nancy as a way to craft my own Wiccan-But-Still-Cool 9th grade persona. Totes worked.
3. Team Courtney Cox
“Wiccan-But-Still-Cool” my god I thought I was the only one.
Not that it worked much. But that as also my Awkward Manic Panic “Black and Blue” phase.
I just read a study that claimed blondes get less second dates because they’re more likely than brunettes to do stupid shit like get falling-down-drunk and babble about their ex-boyfriends.
Not cited, but I’m sure scientific truth, is that brunettes get plenty of second dates, because we’re more likely to blow your mind with our intellect; then just blow you, period, until your toes curl.
BRUNETTES REPRESENT!
YES. Everything about this is spot on. Still upset Fairuza never broke through
Yes. Very much yes. I would have taken a bullet for Winona when I was in high school.
Agree with most of this, but you’re delusional if you think it’s possible to simultaneously be wiccan and cool.
Evan Rachel Wood?
Evan Rachel Worst! Boning Marilyn Manson is a dangerous move but she plays like the Ari Newmans of the world. Piss off Daddy whilst hair-twirling.
I just need to know if these means it is or isn’t ok to treat dropping the N-bomb in a postironic context a turnon. Also, OKCupid needs a separate box where you rank your favorite school shooters.
I get where your coming from with Faruza and Doherty and Rose, but Winona? Heathers was about it for her cred. building, then it was onto a bunch of movies where she has the “oh Im about to cry” face. Deschanel is more badass than that.
Rachel McAdams with blonde hair as opposed to Rachel McAdams as a brunette. Discuss.
I’m not trying to protect my indie street cred here (obvs, that shit is ON LOCK) but i really could not identify this McAdams character is. Like, I know she’s in the new Sherlock Homes (<3 <3) but I really don’t know where that bitch came from. So I counter with this:
EMILY.
FUCKING.
BLUNT.
Your move, Sandy Blonde.
“Toe”-headed?