Sunday night’s MTV Movie awards, while totally amusing, proved once and for all that MTV is the network of rugrats. The Olds (in the MTV handbook, anyone over 22) are being ignored while the not yet able to drive or menstruate or do their hair properly tween fetuses are the ruling landlords of the pop cultural landscape.
Which is fine.
We can hang with the Robert Pattinsons and the Kristen Stewarts of the world. We know about the Twilight and the sparkling vampires who reek of new Volvo interior. But what about the in-betweens? The non Zac Efron people from HSM? The ones with the stupid names from Gossip Girl? All those blonde girls that look like Rachel McAdams - including Rachel McAdams. It’s hard for The Olds to distinguish them sometimes and so we’ve made a cheat sheet of young assorted starlets for your convenience!
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Ashley Tisdale - Oh, The ‘Tiz! Why You Should Know Her: She plays Sharpay in the High School Musical saga. Also she got a botched nose job. Why You Should Care: Unless you’re under eleven, you shouldn’t. Moving on.
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Megan Fox - she is a real life version of a slutty Halloween costume. Why You Should Know Her: Transformers. Up coming new Diablo Cody flick, Jennifer’s Body. And she says really stupid things. Why You Should Care: Your boyfriend is probably thinking about her when he’s on top of you.
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Taylor Lautner - he’s the werewolf from the Twilight series. Why You Should Know Him: It’s required by law to know everything about Twilight. Obama will smite you if you don’t.Why You Should Care: He hot. But he 17. And not even close to almost turning 18.
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Mady Gosselin - the bossy eight year-old twin from ‘Jon and Kate Plus 8′. Why You Should Know Her: The internets LOVE to hate her. Why You Should Care: The Gosselins will probably be around for a while. Might as well be able to contribute to stimulating dinner conversations.
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Leighton Meester - she’s on Gossip Girl. Why You Should Know Her: Besides being one of a handful of extremely good looking people on the show, there really isn’t very much more. Why You Should Care: Gay guys love Gossip Girl. See also: Taylor Momsen, Penn Badgely, Blake Lively, Chace Crawford, etc.
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Shanae Grimes - she’s on the new 90210. Why You Should Know Her: She’s really skinny.Why You Should Care: She used to be on Degrassi: The Next Generation which is one of Canada’s greatest exports - next to syrup and Michael Cera. Mmmmm Cera-syrup.
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Jessica Biel - she’s been in some movies and dates Justin Timberlake. Why You Should Know Her: You probably do know her but couldn’t name a single movie she’s been in. Depending on who you ask - she’s either an untalented linebacker or smokin’ hot. Why You Should Care: Because Justin Timberlake cares.
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Rachel McAdams - she’s a 30 year-old Canadian actor. Why You Should Know Her: Mean Girls. The Notebook. Wedding Crashers. Why You Should Care: She’s talented. McAdams has two big movies coming out - Time Traveler’s Wife and Sherlock Holmes.
Anyone else need clarifying? Let us know in the comments.
“You probably do know her but couldn’t name a single movie she’s been in.” That’s the most accurate thing I’ve ever seen written about Jessica Biel. I feel like I’ve been hearing her name for 10 years and literally cannot tell you why. In that regard, maybe she’s more like an above-average Muslim tight-end.
To me, Leighton Shmeester will always be Miles’ sociopathic older sister from the ludicrously terrible/awesome shortlived NBC show Surface. Her BFF’s poodle got eaten by an electrical 6-legged sea lizard kitten thing. It was a complicated show.
I would like to know more about this McAdams character. Where is she on the quirk scale and is it ok for me to like her? If on end of the spectrum there is Tina Fey and the other side is Jessica Alba. Where is Rach?
Get back. Rachel McAdams is not talented and I will not hear tell of it. I would call Kristen Stewart pretty AND talented before I would sully my breath saying the same of McAd.
On the Tina Fey to BitchFace Alba scale I would say McAdams is somewhere in the 75 percentile range. She’s got more quirk than that other Mean Girl, Amanda Siegfried, but not as much as say an Emily Blunt. Ya dig?
And natasha with a little ‘n’, Kristen Stewart is HOT. Fact.
FACT
is some one over the age of 25 is allowed to wank to’Tis? i need the answer, quick, quick!
Allowed yes. Is it a deal breaker, yes.
natasha with a little ‘n’ is now my name. how else would we be able to tell Natashas apart? anyway, no. no, no, no. If I can name off the top of my head ten people I know IRL who are prettier than Kristen Stewart, she is not a movie star. Ugh, that lopsided mouth.
WHO IS KRISTEN BELL AND SHOULD I HATE HER?!?!?
Kristen Bell is the quirky little blonde that is neither as cute or as funny as Anna Faris. My lezbot friends LOVE her. Besides that I have no opinion on her.
Whats the dif between The Tis and Tisdale Mortypants? I’m going to fall the test.
Kristen Bell frightens me. Just look at the photos of her on her WIkipedia entry; it’s like all the colors are cranked too bright, the eyes too wide, the skin stretched too tightly across her face. Maybe that’s why I liked her turn on Deadwood so much; beneath all the grime and literally getting beaten retarded, her otherwise-malfunctioning-fembot face looked normal.
Oh god. That sounded terrible. I swear I’m not a misogynist, really.
this makes me sad, because, fact, Kristen Bell is the smartest sweetest funniest girl ever, and does not belong with this crowd of mediocre tweenbots.
[...] It’s a pity because we should all like Megan Fox! Some people love her the way you’d love your racist Granpa. Like she says enough crazy shit for you love her in a bemused/horrifying sort of way. But Megan Fox is legitimately awesome because she knows exactly what she is: a real life version of a slutty Halloween costume. [...]
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