« This Summer’s Slave-Girl Sandal: The Fedora, The Douche Helmet.
» Are You Ready for this Hand-Stitched Jelly?: Bravo Interns Read Your Nasty Comments and Revamp the ‘Fashion’ Formula

News That's Too Serious For MSNBC

Say Hello To the Gods of ‘The Barely Menstrual’: Starlet Roll Call and Cheat Sheet

06.02.09 by Ande | 26 Comments | Digg This

Sunday night’s MTV Movie awards, while totally amusing, proved once and for all that MTV is the network of rugrats. The Olds (in the MTV handbook, anyone over 22) are being ignored while the not yet able to drive or menstruate or do their hair properly tween fetuses are the ruling landlords of the pop cultural landscape.

Which is fine.

We can hang with the Robert Pattinsons and the Kristen Stewarts of the world. We know about the Twilight and the sparkling vampires who reek of new Volvo interior. But what about the in-betweens? The non Zac Efron people from HSM? The ones with the stupid names from Gossip Girl? All those blonde girls that look like Rachel McAdams - including Rachel McAdams. It’s hard for The Olds to distinguish them sometimes and so we’ve made a cheat sheet of young assorted starlets for your convenience!

 

* * *

 

Ashley Tisdale - Oh, The ‘Tiz! Why You Should Know Her: She plays Sharpay in the High School Musical saga. Also she got a botched nose jobWhy You Should Care: Unless you’re under eleven, you shouldn’t. Moving on.

 

 

 

* * *

Megan Fox - she is a real life version of a slutty Halloween costume. Why You Should Know Her: Transformers. Up coming new Diablo Cody flick, Jennifer’s Body. And she says really stupid thingsWhy You Should Care: Your boyfriend is probably thinking about her when he’s on top of you.

 

* * *

 

 

Taylor Lautner - he’s the werewolf from the Twilight series. Why You Should Know Him: It’s required by law to know everything about Twilight. Obama will smite you if you don’t.Why You Should Care: He hot. But he 17. And not even close to almost turning 18.

 

 

* * *

Mady Gosselin - the bossy eight year-old twin from ‘Jon and Kate Plus 8′. Why You Should Know Her: The internets LOVE to hate herWhy You Should Care: The Gosselins will probably be around for a while. Might as well be able to contribute to stimulating dinner conversations.

 

* * *

 

Leighton Meester - she’s on Gossip Girl. Why You Should Know Her: Besides being one of a handful of extremely good looking people on the show, there really isn’t very much more. Why You Should Care: Gay guys love Gossip Girl. See also: Taylor Momsen, Penn Badgely, Blake Lively, Chace Crawford, etc.

 

 

* * *

Shanae Grimes - she’s on the new 90210. Why You Should Know Her: She’s really skinny.Why You Should Care: She used to be on Degrassi: The Next Generation which is one of Canada’s greatest exports - next to syrup and Michael Cera. Mmmmm Cera-syrup.

 

 

* * *

 

Jessica Biel - she’s been in some movies and dates Justin Timberlake. Why You Should Know Her: You probably do know her but couldn’t name a single movie she’s been in. Depending on who you ask - she’s either an untalented linebacker or smokin’ hot. Why You Should Care: Because Justin Timberlake cares.

 

 

* * *

Rachel McAdams - she’s a 30 year-old Canadian actor. Why You Should Know Her: Mean Girls. The Notebook. Wedding Crashers. Why You Should Care: She’s talented. McAdams has two big movies coming out - Time Traveler’s Wife and Sherlock Holmes.

Anyone else need clarifying? Let us know in the comments.

26 Comments

have your say

Add your comment below, or trackback from your own site. Subscribe to these comments.

Be nice. Keep it clean. Stay on topic. No spam.

You can use these tags:
<a href="" title=""> <abbr title=""> <acronym title=""> <b> <blockquote cite=""> <cite> <code> <del datetime=""> <em> <i> <q cite=""> <strike> <strong>

:

:


« This Summer’s Slave-Girl Sandal: The Fedora, The Douche Helmet.
» Are You Ready for this Hand-Stitched Jelly?: Bravo Interns Read Your Nasty Comments and Revamp the ‘Fashion’ Formula