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You Deserve to Be Firehosed: The “Around the Office” Phrases That Merit Violence

07.29.08 by Natasha | 8 Comments | Digg This

Oh man, it’s only Tuesday and I am filled with a severe blood lust for all my fellow cube dwellers. Between losing all my scrabulous games to the evil corporate overlords and being subjected to a 4 hour staff meeting I have the impulse control of boozed up celebutard.

I work at big, bloated non-profit organization that’s over-run by this touchy-feely doublespeak. Every one is very deliberate when they speak in front of group, making sure to never offend, to always use “We” versus “I” statements, and to never -EVER- just speak plainly and directly like you know, ADULTS. In 4 hours here’s how often these phrases were uttered

    1. “I’m going to pushback” or “Does any one have any pushback?”- 13 times — this is just a de-clawed way of asking for dissent. Its used to neutralize hostile emotions and make disagreement part of the “process”
    2. “…pick your brain” – 8 times – WORST. VISUAL. EVAR. If you want you can suckle from my eat of knowledge but under NO circumstances will you be “picking” at anything on in my body.
    3. “…I just want to piggy-back on what Joan said” – No, you want to hear the sound of your own voice echoing in the this torture chamber that is a meeting room! – 6 times
    4. At the end of the day…” – 17 MOTHERFUCKING times! Since when do we set our goals to the diurnal patterns of the sun?! This is an empty phrase. It means nothing, it illustrates nothing. Its something that you say before you say what you believe to be the most important fact of a situation. WHY NOT JUST STATE THE IMPORTANT FACT OF THE SITUATION?!

    I obviously ‘Cuiled‘ “most hated office phrases” and got a bizzare list out of the Guardian. Some of the shit that the Brits find repugnant has made it across the Atlantic, some others just sound like queer Narnia-speak.

    There is no great way to end this post except to lament what all other lamented for eons: that clear speech is replaced by “long words and exhausted idioms, like a cuttlefish spurting out ink”.


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