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America’s Pandemic: “I’m Running a Mararthon” is the New Meth

07.29.08 by Ande | 12 Comments | Digg This

Much like Scientology, Mad Men, and tumblr, marathons are just a way well-to-do white folk can replace one addiction with another that’s less “urban”. Here’s why being friends with a marathon-runner is EXACTLY like being friends with smack addicted Balitmore junkie

1. Money. Your money. They want some of it. And are in no way shy about asking you for it. And guess who the asshole is if they don’t get it. It’s you. Sponsor meeeee!

2. Remember that fun friend you had, the one you used to go out to dinner with, have interesting conversations with, get wasted with? That person is gone. Their marathon won’t let them be fun. It makes sure they are always sober and in bed by 9 so they can wake up at 6 and inject marathon training into their veins. It keeps your friend talking only about marathon related things. Remember that provocative conversation about high end sweat socks?

3. Their marathon is ruining their bodies. Everything hurts. All the time. Your friend is puking, losing weight, becoming increasingly apathetic towards anything that isn’t running-shoe related. You’re their friend and can’t stand to see them like this. Do you call their parents?

4. Your late 20s early 30s friends who aren’t making babies are fucking bored. They’re past their prime drug years. Too cheap to invest in a hobby that requires equipment. They’re probably hornier than a 9th grader rubbing up on those jacuzzi jets. These are the warning signs. If you catch them in time, there’s still hope of saving your friend before marathon takes over their lives.

5. You are no longer an important person in their life. You’ve been ditched for a less cool, mean girl who dresses your marathon friend in stupid shorts and sports bras and parades them around the city – all the while laughing at your friend’s struggle to run right past that taco stand without slamming headfirst into the nearest burrito. You can’t compete with this new friend. Marathon always wins.

Now can we have a book deal?

(image via natalie dee)


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