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No, I Didn’t Mean “Pianist Enlargement”: Seven Reasons Cuil Can’t Fuck With The Google

07.30.08 by Matty | 3 Comments | Digg This

So there’s a new hotshot search engine in town, and it thinks it’s better than Google. Started by ex-Google employees, Cuil claim to have a more transparent privacy policy, a more intelligent search algorithm, and they present their results in a more “magazine” format with images and blurbs. Their real claim to fame is that they index three times as many pages as Google, but given my experience so far, I kinda doubt that.

In the face of all their claims to superiority, and in the wake of all their bad press, here are seven reasons why Cuil is doomed to be forgotten in the next month:

  1. Do you know who I am? DO YOU KNOW WHO THE FUCK I AM? No. Apparently you don’t. You brag about having 121,617,892,992 web pages, but you leave this one out, like I’m the fat kid and you’re the dodgeball master? Fine, forget it, I’m out. Me and Google go way back, and Google’s got a Wii.
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  2. You suck at porn. I just turned off “Safe Search” and Cuiled “Hot Thai Sluts” and the results are TOTALLY SAFE FOR WORK! The number one result was a recipe for a hot thai salad. Fail.
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  3. You just can’t keep up. I Cuiled “Obama on Meet the Press” (If you haven’t seen it, watch it) and you pulled up a bunch of crap about Meet the Press and Obama, but not what I wanted: something about Obama’s interview with Tom Brokaw this past Sunday. Google pulled up three recent news articles, the video, the transcript, and a stack of commentary.
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  4. .You don’t care about my needs. There’s no image search, no blogs search, no news or video searches. You’ve got your search, and that’s what you do, and you think that should be enough for me? You don’t have my “site:” operator, which I use all the time, or the “convert” and “define” functions that Google makes so useful.
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  5. You totally overlook the obvious. When I search for people, you overlook the things I most likely want. Celebrity searches omit Wikipedia and IMDB. Even worse, a search for Julia Allison turns up neither NonSociety, JuliaAllison.com, her Flickr photostream, her Twitter, her Vimeo nor her Gawker tag page. She’s among the most searchable people ever, and you missed everything! You did, however, offer me helpful suggestions about American Political Pundits, American Broadcast News Analysts, and American Television Journalists, ’cause those are all just like Julia Allison.
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  6. You don’t correct my spelling. No, I didn’t mean to search for darmatic chimpunk. Google still figured it out and got three different remixes.
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  7. Your’re not all that popular. “CUIL” is a very popular search term in Argentina, where it’s an acronym for “Codigo Unico de Identificacion Laboral“, or “unique worker identification code.” In America, though, you get about as many Googles on a daily basis as Alec Baldwin, and you’re losing to Gazpacho.
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In conclusion, don’t go public unless you’ve actually got something good to show me.

The only upstart search engine I’ve seen actually do something worthwhile is SearchMe.com, which pulls up full screenshots of the result pages in a 3D stack. Still no Google, but neat!

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