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Give me cable or give me death

Suck It, Ben Lyons: The Most Anticipated Movies Preemptively Reviewed

07.31.08 by Ande | 5 Comments | Digg This

Check it out kids: I’m about to save you a grip of cash by using my savvy clairvoyant powers to give you accurate reviews of three hot movies before they even come out!

DISCLAIMER
Outside of porn, I’m a fan of movies that are all talk and little action. I like when depressed gay drug addicts fight with their estranged relatives and occasionally make out with their sister. The only action movies I see are on planes. And that is only if the flight is too short to pop an Ambien and too long to stare at my feet.

I give you my completely unresearched and poorly thought-out reviews based solely on watching the trailers on YouTube!!

The Watchmen: Grade C+

The trailer calls it “The most celebrated graphic novel of all time,” which I found confusing because I didn’t know people celebrated graphic novels at all. The cast boasts Non-famous actors with 90s hair and Zool from Ghostbusters. I can tell you right now this movie is a no-go: Three words – March release date. You figure it out, people.

Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince: Grade A-

That creepy ADHD kid that was in your 5th grade class, the one that licked tetherballs and smelled like lima beans, makes it big in his film debut. And dontcha just know it, he baaad. Are they in wizard community college now? Why aren’t they mixing powders and lizard tails to come up with some concoction that gets them totally high? Whatever, I hear Hermione’s vag has a speaking role so this is going to be like the Sophie’s Choice of the Potter films.

W. : DEFIES OUR SCIENTIFIC GRADING SYSTEM

W. looks like a touching coming-of-age film that examines the inner life of George Bush, from his trying childhood experiences getting that silver spoon stuck up his nose, to his studious college years sticking various other substances up his nose, leading up to his presidency where he pulls it all right back out of his ass.”You’re a Bush, act like one.” Nicely stated. Wonder what that means. The guy playing Karl Rove looks like a fetus. A man in Minnesota agrees.

MinnesotaMan34 (11 hours ago)

This is a horrbily cast movie…none of them look anything like the real people. I hope this movie does horrible for that liberal Oliver Stone.

And scene.

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