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News That's Too Serious For MSNBC

My Precious Formative Years: Choking Yourself Until You Pass Out For Fun And Dates with the D.A.R.E. Cop

08.01.08 by Ande | 7 Comments | Digg This

Slut Machine prolifically declared that the asphyxiation/fainting game played by suburban youths nationwide is the true gateway drug – not weed. I did a little investigating to try and figure out what drew these privileged kids (myself included) to partake in something so insanely dumb and dangerous — 82 kids have died from this shit! The most logical answer and an answer that can be used to explain many cultural phenomena is simply, white people are crazy. If you take a step back, and look in on the situation, you’ll agree. We are.

I polled a few of my friends who grew up in track houses, played AYSO soccer, and went trick or treating at the mall and asked them if they remembered the fainting game and if they themselves were active participants. Everyone remembered the game and those that didn’t play proclaimed, “I thought that was a (insert blank) game” – answers included Valley girl, Armo, sleepaway camp, dirty poor kids, etc.

I seem to be the only one of my “good kid” friends that was actually stupid enough to seek that high. I was at sleepaway camp and my teenaged supervision was not around. I was probably talked into it by a bad influence friend. I don’t remember how many times I did it, but after that first time, I couldn’t stop. Luckily, nobody I played with ever died or slipped into a coma. I think one kid did pass out onto his face and scraped it bad enough that he didn’t get any action the rest of the summer.

It is part of our natural being to want to alter our state of consciousness. That’s why little kids (and asshats at hippie shows) spin around and make themselves dizzy. And as 11 and 12 year olds we knew (thanks to that hot D.A.R.E. cop who came around every week) that drugs were bad and that your first joint would probably be laced with PCP and cause you to set your little sister on fire and Pogo-ball yourself into oncoming traffic.

So naturally, we being the good kids that we were, turned to a non-drug induced high.

I don’t know if kids still play the fainting game in 2008. I feel like they aren’t as bored as we were. And they’re much more supervised. Plus D.A.R.E. is dead and if they are lucky enough to live in California, they’ll probably get a prescription to the weed store for their 8th grade graduation.

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