Unless there’s some terrorist attack or legions of the undead rise from their graves, I seriously doubt John McCain is going to win the election. He’s such a pathetically weak candidate with such an abysmal campaign, Obama feels like a sure shot.
He won’t be if these assholes don’t keep their damn mouths shut:
Here are the people who are a bigger threat to Obama’s political capital than is John McCain: (Mind you this isn’t some type of sociological class study on voters, Nascar-Dads, Security-Moms, Or Angry-White-Male-Pornographers. This a pure gut instinct.)
|1. Tyra Banks — She dressed up as Michelle Obama in Harper’s. Michelle is an accomplished woman who can put together a coherent sentence and doesn’t need to strap on a fat suit to be proactive. Tyra slapping on a flip wig and a pearl necklace is embarrassing to every one involved. It borders on grotesque. Michelle has already struggled with being taken seriously, Tyra doesn’t help. Tyra is the anti-hope. She makes me feel empty inside.|
|2. The Idealistic Kids — Answer this dilemma posed by Radar Online editor Alex Balk: “Who’s more annoying: the idealistic kids who think Barack Obama will bring us into a brave new world of transparency and change, or the hardened adults who think they’re speaking truth to power when they remind you that Barack Obama is just as cozy with corporate interests as anyone else who’s ever been in the position to be elected president?” My answer is the kids, because they’ll be too busy playing Rock Band and massaging their thumbs with their assholes to actually vote.|
|3. All of Europe — Sit down Europe, let’s talk.
I know it’s kind of weird that you guys were once The Empire and now We are (until China makes its move). It seems you guys still have that compulsory impulse to uh, get up in our shit. It’s super cool that y’all were the cradle for modern civilization and hate George Bush. But um, can you guys tone it down a bit? Your crazy ass rallies and eerily authoritarian poster art is kind of spooking out the folks in Tallahassee. We promise we’ll keep going to your super enlightened continent, convert out weak-ass dollar into Euros, makeout with German boys in techno clubs, and call our boyfriends to confess the whole thing in some absinthe-fueled soul purging if you guys will just, um, shut the fuck up.
|4. Jesus Christ — Stop comparing Obama to The Messiah. When was the last time you accepted leadership from a dude in open-toed shoes and shoulder length hair?|
|5. “Friends on the Left” — Moveon.org got former heart throb/future Surreal Life star Rider Strong and some other chick to make an ad endorsing Obama. The Nation put out a sniveling letter signed by all the lefty trolls saying that Obama is super cool BUT if he wants to make all the ashen-face pacifists and sleepy-eyed socialists happy — I mean, who doesn’t? — then he better create a single-payer healthcare plan, mandate rehab instead of prison time for drug users, eliminate racial inequality, and whole other host of soft-boiled fairytale policy prescriptions. I personally would do all in my power to offend and defy every single person on that list. So I can only imagine what some swing voter would think if they thumbed through the musty pages of The Nation — Oh, wait! No one actually reads The Nation!|
I love you all: Europe, Jesus, the Kids — not Tyra though, FUCK. TYRA — and we know you guys all love Obama and will/would vote for him. But why don’t y’all chill out, buy some new iPhone applications and let Obama meet the rest of America on they’re own terms. Cool? Ok. *fist bump*