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Give me cable or give me death

We Pre-Emptively Review Movies So Ben Lyons Doesn’t Have to : Starring Friend of the Blog Nic Cage!!!

08.14.08 by Sarah | 7 Comments | Digg This

Bangkok Dangerous, Grade A++++

Surely, the makers of Bangkok Dangerous knew what they we’re up against. How could they possibly beat Cage’s hypnotic/and Golden Globe worthy performance in Wicker Man? (Ah remember the way he vigorously shook his head and opened his mouth as wide as possible WHILST BEING ATTACKED BY BEES?!) Rejoice fellow Cage scores another triumph with Bangkok Dangerous! The movie features Cage’s trademark soporific drone and this little piece of Oscar bait: in this scene Cage cuts off a guy’s arm with a boat propeller, plucks the gun from his severed hand, and shoots him with it. Best Actor statue secured! Suck it, Ledger! (jk jker! RIP Besties)

Twilight, Grade: D

Hot piece of Scottish underage ass from the Potter Movies? Lusty teenage vampire scenes? I’m in! On paper Twilight should be a thrill ride perfect for the tween training bra/ lonely wiccan set. BUT NAY! The movie has subtracted the two best things about Stephanie Meyer’s “teenaged vampires in love” series: Meyer’s giddy, fantastic writing; and the fact that the main pale male heart throb Edward Cullen sparkles in daylight? All you’re left with is a laughably stupid vampire mythology and pretty Cedric Diggery. I’ll just stay home and watch my DVD of Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire with my finger on the pause button, and try not to think about Chris Hansen busting down my door.


Beverly Hills Chihuahua, Grade: C

And you thought Pineapple Express was the stoner movie of the year (second only to Traveling Pants Part 2!)I know, it’s tempting to launch into an outraged PC rant about Mexican stereotypes, but people have we learned nothing from our two Mexican favorite van enthusiasts Cheech and Chong ? Movies about Mexicans are really just vehicles for hot-boxing and your local AMC!! You watch the trailer, and then try look me in the eye and tell me you aren’t wondering where to score on opening night. You can’t, can you?

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